Toddler tantrums and how to deal with them

First things first, toddlers are prone to having overwhelming feelings that result in a big release that ‘we’ call a tantrum. How a tantrum is handled can also result in how long it will last, how many more will follow and allow you to feel more empowered in the moment, instead of overwhelmed too.

How to handle toddler tantrums

As a parenting coach, I have worked with many clients who have felt frazzled and bewildered by the big emotions that come out both physically and vocally, which can leave parents feeling stressed out, long after the tantrum is over. The child has moved on, but the parent is still quivering, wondering what just went down.

Although we often hear the phrase, terrible twos’ its actually one of the most amazing times in toddlerhood in terms of development. There is a lot going on and you can really start to see your child’s personality shine through and their little brains are working so hard, making connections and learning about the environment around them and how it works, how they engage with it, and cause and effect of how their interactions with people and objects around them and the changes in outcome. This however, is also when tantrums are more common.

That personality is also developing a little sub section, called -  independence

A tantrum is just an explosion of feelings that your child can not regulate or cope with in the same way that you can. Having said that, I have seen many an adult throw a giant wobbly at the airport due to missed connection or delayed plane so turns out, we are not always great at handling our own emotions either! We just don’t throw ourselves around to the same degree.

When they feel overwhelmed, they need an outlet, and in most cases once it’s out, they dust themselves off and move on. However, it’s not uncommon for children to lash out, at those they are closest too in these heated moments although difficult for us, we are also part of the safe circle, so you can bet your bottom dollar, that if your reading this, its you on the receiving end.

Many tantrums are caused by children not getting what they want, but as a parent, there has to be boundaries even if you do not feel good about putting them in place. When parents hold a boundary firm, a child will try to test it, and this often results in the overwhelming sensations that start off as crying but can build up and up, to laying (or throwing) themselves on the floor, throwing things that are close by, and getting upset to the point of hyperventilating.

The word ‘NO’ can be a big trigger for setting off a tantrum, so validating what they want and then redirecting is a good way to avoid the use of the word, although it will sometimes just slip out.

Here is an example. When your child has woken up, they may have it on ‘their’ agenda, that they are going to get up, watch TV and have ice cream for breakfast. ‘Your’ agenda for them, might look different. So when ‘your’ agenda doesn’t meet ‘theirs’ then they often change their behaviour to get you to change your mind.

So in this situation, you may be okay with the TV but not the ice cream for breakfast, so you can comprise on one aspect, but then validate and redirect the other.

You can do this by saying something along the lines of ‘so, I hear you say you want ice cream for breakfast, I love ice cream and I know you do too, and although you want it for breakfast, today I only have…..(insert two choices), I’m using - toast or cereal. We can revisit the ice cream later on, maybe after naptime and go out to the park. Now, what would you like for breakfast, toast or cereal?

Then you stick with what you have offered. In the above scenario, your child has been heard, and you have validated what they wanted, but you didn’t give in and you didn’t say no!

Although sticking to your own boundaries is tough and exhausting, it will help your child have less tantrums overall. Boundaries make children feel safe and secure, and even as adults, they help us thrive in our own work and life environments. Imagine trying to learn how to play a game if there was no rules and it was a free for all, it would be a mess, with multiple player input and no one really understanding how to move forwards with it, tensions may fly, as well as the board.

Other things that you can do are the following;

Help your child with their emotions by letting them know what that emotion is called. I absolutely love this book: The way I feel - By Janan Cain it has great simple pictures and easy too understand wording.

The way I feel - By Janan Cain is an excellent book to read with your toddler about feelings

Validate what they are asking for, so that they know they have been heard - think about my example above using ice cream for breakfast

Encourage them to express the emotions In order to know what happiness is, we have to know what sadness is. Children have to experience all of the emotions to be able to cope better overall. As a parent we can often get caught up by wanting them to be happy all the time, but if you are always trying to make them happy you could become unhappy yourself, as its exhausting. It’s good for them to sometimes feel disappointed as this will help them have a better perspective all round and also help them learn empathy towards others.

Hold your boundary don’t make idle threats, they can back fire and this will result in more confusion and eventually more tantrums. If you have said it, stick to it! This is how children learn overall.

Offer two choices instead of an open ended you can anything type of approach. What I mean by this is: ‘what do you want for lunch ?’ is an open ended question to a youngster, who like they did at breakfast, request ice cream. You then have to go through the whole validation process again instead, word it as “ for lunch, you can have either a cheese toastie or macaroni” they are still getting to have input on their lunch, but the choice is limiting, making their decision making process easier for them.

Too many choices is very challenging even for adults, as we question if we have then make the right choice and then we feel overwhelmed if there is too many decisions to make.

By doing the above you are not going to ever avoid your child having a tantrum but you will be able to feel better in the moment, knowing how to handle them.

Need help with your toddler? Feel free to reach out to me to see how I can help you.